Friday, July 28, 2006
♥ 7:07 PM
kinda snapped today. lots of problems, veri tight schedule. been chasing after time everyday. i was supposed 2 go 4 a maths thing yest after sch but cox my fren told me we had 2 do project I and if i dun turn up they cant do e project. and this project can help dem in their o lev results so 2 dem it's veri important. i tried 2 explain 2 my maths teacher but he asked me 2 reschedule my thing or find a substitude myself. but everybody seemed 2 have sth on. so i went 2 my maths cher again and he made e whole class stand and questioned 1 by 1 who cant make it and y. i felt realli bad when he did this. it's like it's my problem but cox i forgot i got proj I e whole class is being questioned. e worse thing is dat e remainding ppl wif nth on all have 2 stay back cox nobody is willing 2 replace me! i felt realli veri guilty. den after they left 4 e maths thing my fren came up 2 tell me proj I cancelled. i was shocked. but after sch end it was alrd 330 and i had 2 go 4 cg. so i sneaked out of sch went home bathe and went cg. today cher asked me how did my proj I went. i tried 2 lie saying dat it was okie. but i guess he alrd knew. so i told him it was cancelled last min. and he blamed me 4 not going down 2 support my class as all e others went. i apologised and he said i should apologise 2 e rest not him. when this happened i really snapped. cox i know it's not i dun wanna go. and he asked me," do u noe wad's ur problem? u should have gone down 2 help dem. it's ur responsibility. instead if sneaking away like dat." i realli duno wad 2 say. was he saying dat i was irresponsible? in e first place i did not go home 2 slp, i had cg! but obviously e sch wun accept dat as an excuse. to dem my church programmes are always deemed as not important. but 2 me it's veri imporatant and over nth will i choose sch over church. sch has taken up 3/4 of my week. cant they let me do my church things with e rest of my time? and right from e beginning i was in this mess cox of all my responsibilities. and he's telling me dat i am irresponsible!? i dun get it! and everthing is so last min. chers do things last min, students do things last min. it's not like they r chasing after time like me rite? they go out and enjoy after sch while i struggle with my leadership roles and time arrangement. i tot 2 myself.." wad do they noe?" they din even check wif me y din i turn up. i always turn up in sch tired stressed out. always rushing 2 places, rushing 2 do things. they dun even ask y. things r always last min and they expect me 2 follow. im realli stressed out by all these. everything is practically clashing. i dun get it.. am i trying too hard? doing too many things? i tried 2 make a difference in e badm team by coming out wif 1 whole load of duties, i made an attendance list which i dun have 2 do at all, i came out wif plans and ideas which e team would gladly do without. all these things r suppose 2 be done by e teacher. but y am i trying so hard? jux cox e teacher has high expectations on me? is dat a gd reason? i realli duno. im juz a student, i shouldn't be doing all these. trying 2 arrange a prayer meet is so hard. i can have everythign done up but nobody turns up. i have plans 4 dem, things 2 tell dem, but they r jux not on fire. i realli dun understand. times i realli felt like giving up. chasing after time is so tiring. when was e last time i had e proper break from all these? i realli duno. my time is planned so ahead. my sep sch holidays i onli have 2 days of holiday. wad kind of holiday is this? ppl jux come 2 me with a consent form and take up 1 day of my holidays. and on e consent form i cant even choose if i wanna go or not. it's jux 4 my parents 2 sign 2 prove dat they noe i will be in sch. it's my time they r taking away and they dun even give me a choice. im tired of all these. i wanna give up and they will tell me give up on all ur other leadership but not this. at e end of e day i dun get 2 give up at all. when i do sth extra 4 dem they nvr ask me why. but when i fail 2 do sth they will always tell me off without asking me why. i oso feel like asking dem why. why cant i give up? why cant i have a choice? i realli feel like taking a long break.. go overseas where all these things are far far away and spend a few days by e beach...